Tuesday, October 25, 2016
My unwelcome enemy.
You are not my friend.
I hate you.
You ease your way into my day.
I wake up with your shadow looming
over me threatening to drown out the
joyous sunlight of my day.
You follow me everywhere I go.
You laugh at me.
You mock me.
You make me tired.
I feel weak from fighting.
You are a stupid feeling.
You make me feel lonely.
Guilty without cause.
You have tried to become my norm.
But you are not my norm.
You are a worm.
A spineless coward who preys on the innocent,
the hurt, the abandoned,
the sick and the weak.
But I am not weak.
I am not abandoned.
I was sick, but I am alive.
You depression are full of lies.
You have robbed me long enough.
I am a child of God.
I am victorious.
Your dark presence is not my fate.
I have no need to be sad.
You can't steal my joy.
You are a fraud. A thief. A terror.
My enemy. You are defeated.
You have no place in my life.
I belong to Jesus.
Greater is He that is in my than any of your foolishness.
I am tired of feeling lonely.
I have family and friends. I am not alone.
I am tired of sadness. Why should I be sad?
I am tired of feeling empty.
The Holy Spirit lives in me, I am not empty.
I am tired of feeling torn.
Through Christ I am made whole.
I am tired of feeling unworthy.
I am redeemed and worthy through my Jesus.
I am tired of feeling discouraged.
I am not friendless.
I have friends.
I am not where I want to be
But I am farther than I was.
Depression you are my enemy.
You do not control me.
You may be attacking my mind, and my body, but you are trespassing on a child of God.
From this day forward I am fighting you harder than ever before.
You depression are a loser.
I am tired of you hurting me and hurting my family and friends.
My familiar enemy.
You are not welcome here.
Go away, in Jesus name.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
*I typed this in August, but did not post it, until now.*
I am longing for adventure. My restless spirit is anxious to be set free. I am tired of being trapped in my own misery. Depression is an enemy. Panic is not my friend. Seizures are horrible. I want my life free of them.
I want to go as I please. Do as I please and not worry about the other three. I cannot drive right now because of seizures. This irritates me. I long to go places and do things, but depression and anxiety make it hard. While I long to go, I feel numb and void. Almost lifeless. As if the thought of getting up and going anywhere is to much trouble. I do not have the energy to do so. Yet, I want to do so.
How long will this heartache hound me? How long must I fight the same never ending battle day after day night after night with no end in sight? How long God how long? I cry, but I do not have an answer.
Stupid brain injury. I hate you! In less than two months I will be thirty. Thirty! I have battled this nightmare since the age of twenty-five! Enough already my heart screams!
When I was twenty I had high hopes, goals and dreams for what my life would be like when I reached the age of thirty. Married, children, further in my career. Singing on the road for God's glory. A book or two published. So many dreams! None of them have come true. None of them are in sight. Stupid brain injury!!
Am I throwing a pity party? Maybe. Am I fed up? Definitely. Am I ready to fight? I have been. Constantly. Day after day, night after night since May 28th, 2012.
*Finishing this writing, below on October 20, 2016*
The journey is hard. The journey is long, but I will keep fighting all day long. When night falls and sorrow comes darker than the night sky, I will keep fighting, I will keep moving on. God is with me. I will not fail. I will not fall. I will not be defeated. The battle is long. The battle is hard, but with my Jesus I am making it, one day at a time. One day I will see the end of this struggle, this heartache will be gone, until then I will keep moving on.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Depression is a horrible enemy. I hate it. I began struggling with a mild form of depression when I was a teenager, so mild that I could easily keep it hidden. In 2004 when my family moved from Alabama to Mississippi I began feeling depressed and having mild anxiety attacks. Again I could keep it hidden, though it was harder this time then it was when I was fourteen and fifteen. Fast forward to 2012. Memorial Day of 2012 to be exact. I wrecked a dirt bike. Hit my head multiply times. Was knocked out unconscious, quit breathing to the point of death. I was told I had a death seizure, my face and lips turned blue and I lay lifeless, until God is in wondrous love breathed life back into my body.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I want to share my testimony of how good my God is. I want you to know that I am still struggling, but I am making it. I want you to have hope in the midst of your struggle. I want to educate you on what depression is in case you are battling depression, or you know someone who is battling depression. I am not looking for sympathy or attention. I am looking to help someone else. Is my depression whipped? No. However I believe talking about it may help another person. There are days I do not want to talk about it, but today is not one of those days. Today I feel inspired, I feel urged, I feel the need to let my voice be heard, if only for a little while, while you read this post.
First off, I want to tell you depression is not a weakness. Depression is a mental illness. You do not shun someone who has a cold, because common sense tells us a cold is an illness. Depression is an illness, though it's physical affects are not always as obvious as those of a common cold. However, if you look hard enough or know a person well enough, depression can be easy to spot.
Depression is wanting to do things, but feeling like I do not have the energy to do them. Some days the thought of getting out of bed and taking a shower feels so overwhelming. My body feels tired and I feel mentally drained, even if I just woke up from an eight hour nights sleep. It is in these moments when I have to talk myself into getting up and getting ready for the day. Because most often then not, it feels like I have worked twelve plus hours doing strenuous labor and don't want to do anything but lay down and sleep. And that is before I take a shower. After my shower I may feel a little bit revived as showers have a way of doing, but I still feel bleh for lack of a better definition. Bleh may not be the most decorative or elaborate word in the English language, but if you have been there you know that it is most definitely an accurate definition.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. That is a double whammy. Depression gives the excuses, anxiety motivates the excuses with fear. I can talk myself into getting up and doing something that depression says I feel lifeless to do, and anxiety blind sides me with fear of failure if I do what I decided I was going to do. Read this graphic I found on Pinterest that explains what I mean very well.
Did you read that? "Anxiety and depression is.....feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb." That phrase alone sums anxiety and depression up. The entire description in the quote is accurate as well. I can relate to every word.
Today I am experiencing a rough battle with depression and anxiety, maybe that is why I feel most raw and desperate to be real with you, to reach out and let someone reading this know you are not alone. I am getting tired of expressing myself this openly right now, if you have depression and anxiety I know you understand that. I will continue blogging about depression and anxiety as I feel able. In the meantime I want to leave you with something I put on my Instagram and Facebook accounts earlier.
God is bigger. I struggle with depression on a daily basis. Some days the fight seems so intense I become exhausted to the point of laying down for a while. This is not a weakness. Depression is a mental illness. I have a brain injury from a wreck. Depression is a horrible illness. But it is in the midst of the fiercest battle when I am struggling to stay alive that I remember "God is Bigger." It is then that I call on Him and His sweet peace floods my soul and it is in His strength that I find the will to keep going.
God is faithful.
God is bigger.
God is with you.
*Graphics are not mine. They are the sole property of their respectful owners. I do not claim ownership of the graphics. I found the graphics on Pinterest.*
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Friday, June 24, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Young girls use your brain! If he was interested in you he would pursue you.
Don't be more clingy than saran wrap. Don't let your emotions and hormones cloud your view.
You are worth being loved by someone who puts you first not someone who throws excuses and flirts with other females.
No darling he isn't your dream. If he is, raise your standards and learn to value yourself better.
Tired of seeing confused girls selling themselves short.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
I may have only found two things at Hobby Lobby, but I made up for it at Michaels. I still came out good price wise compared to what I usually spend in Michaels. Today was the first time in a few months that I had been to either store. It was nice. I enjoy spending time with my Family. Oh yeah, for lunch we went to Krystals. Their steak sandwich is good.
When we got back home I packaged orders to mail tomorrow and began taking photographs of new jewelry and accessories I have made over the past several weeks. I look forward to posting the new items on my website soon. More than likely I would still be taking pictures instead of blogging this post, but the battery on my phone died and I am charging it. It just so happens that my Nikon DSLR camera needs to be charged, and my Nikon point and shoot that takes double AA batteries needs new batteries. So I decided blogging might be fun.
Last night I was laying in bed browsing Facebook on my phone before going to sleep. Do you do that? Anyway I decided to take some silly quizzes that are popular to take. Here are some of the results I thought it would be fun to post them.
Well I am not sure what else to blog about. My flow of thoughts I had in the beginning of this post seem to be coming to an end, I suppose that is a good time to stop blogging for now. I hope y'all have a good night. Enjoy your Wednesday tomorrow!