. Mardi Robyn Mardi Robyn

Monday, December 2, 2019

Adjusting My Lens

I wrote the following a couple weeks ago. 

I hate seizures. I hate them with a passion.  I am so frustrated at this season in life I cannot adequately put my frustration into words. 

In 2012 I wrecked a dirt bike with resulted in me hitting my head multiple times, I passed out and quit breathing, I died and was brought back to life.  I thank God for that.   I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post concussive syndrome (PCS)  along with a list of symptoms that fall under those categories, depression, anxiety and panic attacks just to name a few.  Later I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, (PTSD) and later psychogenic non epileptic seizures. (PNES)

What started out as petite mal seizures turned into grand mal seizures due to a medication a brain injury doctor prescribed.  He would not listen to me when I said the medication was making it worse, he increased the dose saying it just wasn't doing its job at the lower strength. Long story short after three months of this Doctor not listening to me, I went to my family Doctor who was amazing, he listened to me and realized what my parents and I knew, the medication the brain injury doctor put me on was making everything worse. My family doctor weaned me off of it, however it had done its damage and left me with non-epileptic seizures.

They come and go. Lately they have bombarded me with a fierceness and upset my world. I cannot drive until they stop and that irritates me beyond words.   I long to be free and independent again. To go and come as I please.  I feel like life is passing me by and all I am doing is getting older. How am I suppose to fulfill my dreams, my goals, God's plan for my life if I am stuck in a rut of health issues? Am I complaining, yes probably so. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No.  People say blog what you feel, so that is what I am doing. I have all this pent up irritation I have to let out.

I want to be stubborn and drive anyway, but I cannot. If I have a seizure while driving I could hurt not only myself but someone else and that would be devastating. It is also against the law in Alabama to drive without being free of seizures.  I hate this.  I am thankful I am alive and doing so much better than I was in the beginning but I am aggravated and I feel trapped.

I am praying God shows me an answer. Show me a way of escape. End the seizures and let me live my life.  I have dreamed of being a singer all of my life. I use to travel with my family and sing throughout Alabama and Florida.  I was privileged to be asked to sing places as a soloist. I miss singing so much.  I thought by now I would be in Nashville, but life has a way of stepping on your plans and sometimes you have to take a detour. I'm on a detour and I'm ready to push harder to see my dreams become reality.  I want to fulfill God's plan for my life. How?

There is joy in the journey, right now my joy is out of gas.  I am reminded of an old song sung by a southern gospel group "The Hinsons," it is titled, "Soul Fillin' Station."  I think I need to go visit God's gas station and fill up. I feel empty.  Yes I am a Christian, but I need His peace that passes all understanding. I need Jesus to take back control of my life that I tried taking from Him. I have tried to do it my way for far to long and it hasn't worked.

Seizures are a problem, but maybe they are not the bigger problem, maybe my problem is my focus needs adjusting. As a photographer I like using photography as illustrations, sometimes when I look through the lens of my Nikon, all I see is a blurry mess, it isn't until I adjust the focus that I can see a clearer picture.  It's time I adjust my lens.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Throwback Writings: Writing from 2005

I wrote this in March 2005, I was eighteen.  I'm not sure what I was thinking that inspired me to write it, albeit it isn't my best writing, but here it is.




Joy unspeakable we love to sing, shouting praises to our King. We run around and tell of our days, yet refuse to speak our Saviors name.  Sunday comes were at it again, joy unspeakable we love to sing, shouting praises to our King.  One hour, two hours, maybe three, we’re back to our usual days, laughter, sadness, fun and games, tears yet never do we spread all of Jesus cheer. 

Throwback Writings: God, You Love Everyone

I wrote this when I was a teenager, I think I was around the ages of 13-15.



God, You said you loved me for who I am
And you always will.

You said I was your child, that You had a plan for me.

You forgave me of my sins, said I was forgiven, and gave me a brand new start.

You took me in and made me who I am today, made me what you wanted me to be, even though You are still making me what I should be.
I can tell a difference and it makes me feel good to know,
You care for me.

Words can never say how much I love You, but I know You know cause You know everything.

Thank You for all that you’ve done and what You’re doing now and thank You that You love me for who I am cause,
You love everyone.

Throwback Writings: God's and God's Alone

I wrote this when I was a teenager.



I’m sick and tired of living my life my way.
Everything I do or try, all seems to crumble to the ground.
My world seems all mixed up.

I feel helpless and alone.
I never succeed at doing it my way on my own.
I only get heartache, grief and pain.

Once I think I’ve found my way, Hurray! I got it done, some obstacle falls in my path, and blocks my view from there it all goes down the drain.
My dreams, my goals and accomplishments, each time I do it on my own I realize I can’t do a thing without God.

It’s not my way that matters anymore, since Jesus came inside.  The only thing that matters is, I give my life completely to the one who saved my soul.
That way when I’m old I’ll know, I lived my life with no regrets.

It’s not my way anymore, It’s God’s and God’s alone.

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