Jesus Helps Me Every Step of the Way

I put this on Facebook earlier this evening and wanted to blog it.



I'm not going to worry.
I'm gonna be just fine.
I have my Jesus, He is always by my side.
I've been through the fire, hit my head on an ole brick wall. Jesus revived my life and gave me a brand new song.

Some days I get frustrated. Can't see the end in sight. Feel like giving up, screaming at the top of my lungs God "why me," as if I think I'm something special. Everyone goes through trials. Has pain. Has tears, cries through the night. I'm no exception, I'm fighting my own battles, one punch at a time
Each day I grow stronger. Good days, bad days, a mix of the two. I question God how long will this continue. But God in His infinite wisdom, His mercy, His grace and unfailing love, holds me in His arms, brings peace and whispers child I'm with you through this storm.


Oh the storm sometime rages. Depression looms like a big black cloud, anxiety tightens around me threatening to squeeze the life out of me. Panic makes my heart rate fast, I feel I can't breath. Confusion sets in, who am I? Why am I hear? Sometime I forgot my own name. Sometimes I don't know who my parents are when they are staring me in the face trying to help ease the pain while the fog is so thick I can't see through the rain.


Then there are times when seizures rear their ugly head. No matter how I try to ward them off, I can't fight the feeling that tells me they are taking over. I try to fight, try to out run them but the harder I try the more they overtake me. After the storm, I feel so ashamed. "Why Lord, why? Must I go through this pain."


Torture, heartache, sleepless nights and tears. God I'm your child. He calms my fears. When my brain gets stuck, I get tongue tied and say one thing meaning another it makes me so mad. I'm a Manning we never have trouble talking my pride screams.


I get insecure. I hate being ignored. Friends have left me. People didn't understand. They called me names. Said I was faking. My Doctor, the speech therapists, brain injury counselor and Physiatrist I have seen know better than that. People Claimed I tried to commit suicide. No I got on a dirt bike I didn't know how to drive, I panicked and my life has never been the same since. Friends I thought would be there left. I have trust issues. I feel vulnerable. The close friends I have probably get annoyed when I feel clingy or needy after a storm of panic or seizures have hit.

Why do I keep going? I have begged God to let me die. Oh but there is a reason for this season, What the devil meant for evil to harm me, my Jesus made a way. He restored me. He renews me day after day. It is His strength that gets me through and guides me each step of the way.

Jesus has given me a testimony. All the suffering is worth it, if just one person sees Jesus in me. Because He is there. His strength is made perfect in times of weakness. So I will praise Him in this storm. God isn't through with me yet. The devil tried to kill me. But Jesus stepped in and said "No, this girl is mine and I have a work for her to do."


No matter what you are going through. Don't give up. Cling to Jesus. He will never leave you nor forsake you. That is not a cliche. It is truth. It is real. I know, He is with me everyday. Let Him walk with you through your storm. I promise. He will never let you down.

Depression

  

 (Photo found on Pinterest. Not my own.)

Depression is a horrible enemy.   I hate it.  I began struggling with a mild form of depression when I was a teenager, so mild that I could easily keep it hidden.  In 2004 when my family moved from Alabama to Mississippi I began feeling depressed and having mild anxiety attacks. Again I could keep it hidden, though it was harder this time then it was when I was fourteen and fifteen.  Fast forward to 2012.  Memorial Day of 2012 to be exact.  I wrecked a dirt bike. Hit my head multiply times. Was knocked out unconscious, quit breathing to the point of death. I was told I had a death seizure, my face and lips turned blue and I lay lifeless, until God is in wondrous love breathed life back into my body.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because I want to share my testimony of how good my God is. I want you to know that I am still struggling, but I am making it. I want you to have hope in the midst of your struggle.  I want to educate you on what depression is in case you are battling depression, or you know someone who is battling depression.  I am not looking for sympathy or attention. I am looking to help someone else.  Is my depression whipped? No.  However I believe talking about it may help another person.  There are days I do not want to talk about it, but today is not one of those days.  Today I feel inspired, I feel urged, I feel the need to let my voice be heard, if only for a little while, while you read this post.

First off, I want to tell you depression is not a weakness.  Depression is a mental illness.  You do not shun someone who has a cold, because common sense tells us a cold is an illness. Depression is an illness, though it's physical affects are not always as obvious as those of a common cold.   However, if you look hard enough or know a person well enough, depression can be easy to spot.

Depression is wanting to do things, but feeling like I do not have the energy to do them.  Some days the thought of getting out of bed and taking a shower feels so overwhelming. My body feels tired and I feel mentally drained, even if I just woke up from an eight hour nights sleep. It is in these moments when I have to talk myself into getting up and getting ready for the day. Because most often then not, it feels like I have worked twelve plus hours doing strenuous labor and don't want to do anything but lay down and sleep.  And that is before I take a shower.   After my shower I may feel a little bit revived as showers have a way of doing, but I still feel bleh for lack of a better definition.  Bleh may not be the most decorative or elaborate word in the English language, but if you have been there you know that it is most definitely an accurate definition.

I struggle with depression and anxiety. That is a double whammy.  Depression gives the excuses, anxiety motivates the excuses with fear.  I can talk myself into getting up and doing something that depression says I feel lifeless to do,  and anxiety blind sides me with fear of failure if I do what I decided I was going to do.   Read this graphic I found on Pinterest that explains what I mean very well.

 (Photo found on Pinterest. It is not my own.)

Did you read that?   "Anxiety and depression is.....feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb."    That phrase alone sums anxiety and depression up.   The entire description in the quote is accurate as well. I can relate to every word. 

Today I am experiencing a rough battle with depression and anxiety, maybe that is why I feel most raw and desperate to be real with you, to reach out and let someone reading this know you are not alone.   I am getting tired of expressing myself this openly right now, if you have depression and anxiety I know you understand that.  I will continue blogging about depression and anxiety as I feel able.  In the meantime I want to leave you with something I put on my Instagram and Facebook accounts earlier.   

God is bigger. I struggle with depression on a daily basis. Some days the fight seems so intense I become exhausted to the point of laying down for a while. This is not a weakness. Depression is a mental illness. I have a brain injury from a wreck.  Depression is a horrible illness. But it is in the midst of the fiercest battle when I am struggling to stay alive that I remember "God is Bigger." It is then that I call on Him and His sweet peace floods my soul and it is in His strength that I find the will to keep going.  

God is faithful.

God is bigger.

God is with you.

 












*Graphics are not mine. They are the sole property of their respectful owners. I do not claim ownership of the graphics. I found the graphics on Pinterest.*