I put this on Facebook earlier this evening and wanted to blog it.
I'm not going to worry.
I'm gonna be just fine.
I have my Jesus, He is always by my side.
I've been through the fire, hit my head on an ole brick wall. Jesus revived my life and gave me a brand new song.
Some days I get frustrated. Can't see the end in sight. Feel like
giving up, screaming at the top of my lungs God "why me," as if I think
I'm something special. Everyone goes through trials. Has pain. Has
tears, cries through the night. I'm no exception, I'm fighting my own
battles, one punch at a time
Each day I grow stronger. Good days,
bad days, a mix of the two. I question God how long will this continue.
But God in His infinite wisdom, His mercy, His grace and unfailing
love, holds me in His arms, brings peace and whispers child I'm with you
through this storm.
Oh the storm sometime rages. Depression
looms like a big black cloud, anxiety tightens around me threatening to
squeeze the life out of me. Panic makes my heart rate fast, I feel I
can't breath. Confusion sets in, who am I? Why am I hear? Sometime I
forgot my own name. Sometimes I don't know who my parents are when they
are staring me in the face trying to help ease the pain while the fog is
so thick I can't see through the rain.
Then there are times when
seizures rear their ugly head. No matter how I try to ward them off, I
can't fight the feeling that tells me they are taking over. I try to
fight, try to out run them but the harder I try the more they overtake
me. After the storm, I feel so ashamed. "Why Lord, why? Must I go
through this pain."
Torture, heartache, sleepless nights and
tears. God I'm your child. He calms my fears. When my brain gets stuck, I
get tongue tied and say one thing meaning another it makes me so mad.
I'm a Manning we never have trouble talking my pride screams.
I
get insecure. I hate being ignored. Friends have left me. People didn't
understand. They called me names. Said I was faking. My Doctor, the
speech therapists, brain injury counselor and Physiatrist I have seen
know better than that. People Claimed I tried to commit suicide. No I
got on a dirt bike I didn't know how to drive, I panicked and my life
has never been the same since. Friends I thought would be there left. I
have trust issues. I feel vulnerable. The close friends I have probably
get annoyed when I feel clingy or needy after a storm of panic or
seizures have hit.
Why do I keep going? I have begged God to let
me die. Oh but there is a reason for this season, What the devil meant
for evil to harm me, my Jesus made a way. He restored me. He renews me
day after day. It is His strength that gets me through and guides me
each step of the way.
Jesus has given me a testimony. All the
suffering is worth it, if just one person sees Jesus in me. Because He
is there. His strength is made perfect in times of weakness. So I will
praise Him in this storm. God isn't through with me yet. The devil tried
to kill me. But Jesus stepped in and said "No, this girl is mine and I
have a work for her to do."
No matter what you are going
through. Don't give up. Cling to Jesus. He will never leave you nor
forsake you. That is not a cliche. It is truth. It is real. I know, He
is with me everyday. Let Him walk with you through your storm. I
promise. He will never let you down.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
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