(Photo found on Pinterest. Not my own.)
Depression is a horrible enemy. I hate it. I began struggling with a mild form of depression when I was a teenager, so mild that I could easily keep it hidden. In 2004 when my family moved from Alabama to Mississippi I began feeling depressed and having mild anxiety attacks. Again I could keep it hidden, though it was harder this time then it was when I was fourteen and fifteen. Fast forward to 2012. Memorial Day of 2012 to be exact. I wrecked a dirt bike. Hit my head multiply times. Was knocked out unconscious, quit breathing to the point of death. I was told I had a death seizure, my face and lips turned blue and I lay lifeless, until God is in wondrous love breathed life back into my body.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I want to share my testimony of how good my God is. I want you to know that I am still struggling, but I am making it. I want you to have hope in the midst of your struggle. I want to educate you on what depression is in case you are battling depression, or you know someone who is battling depression. I am not looking for sympathy or attention. I am looking to help someone else. Is my depression whipped? No. However I believe talking about it may help another person. There are days I do not want to talk about it, but today is not one of those days. Today I feel inspired, I feel urged, I feel the need to let my voice be heard, if only for a little while, while you read this post.
First off, I want to tell you depression is not a weakness. Depression is a mental illness. You do not shun someone who has a cold, because common sense tells us a cold is an illness. Depression is an illness, though it's physical affects are not always as obvious as those of a common cold. However, if you look hard enough or know a person well enough, depression can be easy to spot.
Depression is wanting to do things, but feeling like I do not have the energy to do them. Some days the thought of getting out of bed and taking a shower feels so overwhelming. My body feels tired and I feel mentally drained, even if I just woke up from an eight hour nights sleep. It is in these moments when I have to talk myself into getting up and getting ready for the day. Because most often then not, it feels like I have worked twelve plus hours doing strenuous labor and don't want to do anything but lay down and sleep. And that is before I take a shower. After my shower I may feel a little bit revived as showers have a way of doing, but I still feel bleh for lack of a better definition. Bleh may not be the most decorative or elaborate word in the English language, but if you have been there you know that it is most definitely an accurate definition.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. That is a double whammy. Depression gives the excuses, anxiety motivates the excuses with fear. I can talk myself into getting up and doing something that depression says I feel lifeless to do, and anxiety blind sides me with fear of failure if I do what I decided I was going to do. Read this graphic I found on Pinterest that explains what I mean very well.
(Photo found on Pinterest. It is not my own.)
Did you read that? "Anxiety and depression is.....feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb." That phrase alone sums anxiety and depression up. The entire description in the quote is accurate as well. I can relate to every word.
Today I am experiencing a rough battle with depression and anxiety, maybe that is why I feel most raw and desperate to be real with you, to reach out and let someone reading this know you are not alone. I am getting tired of expressing myself this openly right now, if you have depression and anxiety I know you understand that. I will continue blogging about depression and anxiety as I feel able. In the meantime I want to leave you with something I put on my Instagram and Facebook accounts earlier.
God is bigger. I struggle with depression on a daily basis. Some days the fight seems so intense I become exhausted to the point of laying down for a while. This is not a weakness. Depression is a mental illness. I have a brain injury from a wreck. Depression is a horrible illness. But it is in the midst of the fiercest battle when I am struggling to stay alive that I remember "God is Bigger." It is then that I call on Him and His sweet peace floods my soul and it is in His strength that I find the will to keep going.
God is faithful.
God is bigger.
God is with you.
*Graphics are not mine. They are the sole property of their respectful owners. I do not claim ownership of the graphics. I found the graphics on Pinterest.*