Thursday, October 20, 2016
*I typed this in August, but did not post it, until now.*
I am longing for adventure. My restless spirit is anxious to be set free. I am tired of being trapped in my own misery. Depression is an enemy. Panic is not my friend. Seizures are horrible. I want my life free of them.
I want to go as I please. Do as I please and not worry about the other three. I cannot drive right now because of seizures. This irritates me. I long to go places and do things, but depression and anxiety make it hard. While I long to go, I feel numb and void. Almost lifeless. As if the thought of getting up and going anywhere is to much trouble. I do not have the energy to do so. Yet, I want to do so.
How long will this heartache hound me? How long must I fight the same never ending battle day after day night after night with no end in sight? How long God how long? I cry, but I do not have an answer.
Stupid brain injury. I hate you! In less than two months I will be thirty. Thirty! I have battled this nightmare since the age of twenty-five! Enough already my heart screams!
When I was twenty I had high hopes, goals and dreams for what my life would be like when I reached the age of thirty. Married, children, further in my career. Singing on the road for God's glory. A book or two published. So many dreams! None of them have come true. None of them are in sight. Stupid brain injury!!
Am I throwing a pity party? Maybe. Am I fed up? Definitely. Am I ready to fight? I have been. Constantly. Day after day, night after night since May 28th, 2012.
*Finishing this writing, below on October 20, 2016*
The journey is hard. The journey is long, but I will keep fighting all day long. When night falls and sorrow comes darker than the night sky, I will keep fighting, I will keep moving on. God is with me. I will not fail. I will not fall. I will not be defeated. The battle is long. The battle is hard, but with my Jesus I am making it, one day at a time. One day I will see the end of this struggle, this heartache will be gone, until then I will keep moving on.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13