. Mardi Robyn: A Rant When I Am Tired Mardi Robyn: A Rant When I Am Tired

Thursday, October 20, 2016

A Rant When I Am Tired

*I typed this in August, but did not post it, until now.*

I am longing for adventure. My restless spirit is anxious to be set free. I am tired of being trapped in my own misery. Depression is an enemy. Panic is not my friend. Seizures are horrible. I want my life free of them.

I want to go as I please. Do as I please and not worry about the other three. I cannot drive right now because of seizures. This irritates me.  I long to go places and do things, but depression and anxiety make it hard. While I long to go, I feel numb and void. Almost lifeless. As if the thought of getting up and going anywhere is to much trouble. I do not have the energy to do so. Yet, I want to do so.

How long will this heartache hound me? How long must I fight the same never ending battle day after day night after night with no end in sight?  How long God how long? I cry, but I do not have an answer.

Stupid brain injury. I hate you! In less than two months I will be thirty. Thirty!  I have battled this nightmare since the age of twenty-five! Enough already my heart screams!

When I was twenty I had high hopes, goals and dreams for what my life would be like when I reached the age of thirty.  Married, children, further in my career. Singing on the road for God's glory. A book or two published. So many dreams!   None of them have come true. None of them are in sight.  Stupid brain injury!!

Am I throwing a pity party? Maybe. Am I fed up? Definitely.  Am I ready to fight? I have been. Constantly. Day after day, night after night since May 28th, 2012. 

*Finishing this writing, below on October 20, 2016*

The journey is hard. The journey is long, but I will keep fighting all day long. When night falls and sorrow comes darker than the night sky, I will keep fighting, I will keep moving on.  God is with me. I will not fail. I will not fall. I will not be defeated. The battle is long. The battle is hard, but with my Jesus I am making it, one day at a time.  One day I will see the end of this struggle, this heartache will be gone, until then I will keep moving on.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

1 comment:

  1. I so greatly admire your strength and courage. It will not go unrewarded, I am confident. One verse of scripture that it brings to mind:

    "...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us" (Romans 8:39)



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