As I lay in bed I am attempting to make my first blog post using the blogger app I downloaded on my iPhone since my laptop crashed and I am to lazy to get up from lounging among comfy pillows on my bed and walk to the family office to use the desktop computer.
Lately I have found myself in some sort of a self
reflecting state of mind. Pondering actions and thoughts. Discovering and coming
to terms with myself, hopefully that makes some sort of sense to you. I can't
help but shake my head as I type this, sounds strange yet it's very true. I'm
sure everyone at some point in life has moments of self discovery.
twenty-five years of age I struggle to grasp where my life is going. I know God
called me, but what's happening? My life is no where near what I had planned..
Let me rewind back eight years ago and try to paint you a picture of my so
called perfect plan for my life that I foolishly decided must be Gods plan as
When I was nearing eighteen I had my life mapped out, at least in
part. I would graduate high school, enter full time ministry, meet Mr. Right, we
would marry by the time I was twenty-two and by twenty-four we would have at the
least two children, a boy first and then a girl.
You can imagine how
that plan worked..
Yeah, I graduated highschool in 2005. February of
2006 I began teaching Sunday School to ages 8-18 depending on who was there. I
taught until 2011 I miss those kids, and I miss teaching. The only other
involvement in ministry was singing at Church and occasionally filling in for
the Pastor or singing an somehow finding myself talking as the Lord
The other part of my plan was I would teach piano, be an
independent photographer while developing my online business Mardi Robyn into a
successful business, while teaching craft classes, blogging, writing books,
singing, working with youth, teaching an being in the ministry. Sounds like a
good plan right? Oh and did I mention shy me wants to attempt to be an actress
in a Christian movie? Yep this was my grand plan!
Fast forward to May
2012 and where am I?
I am twenty-five years old, I am a licensed and
certified pharmacy technician that often shakes my head and asks where did that
come from? Never was working in pharmacy apart of my plan. However I am thankful
for the job. I no longer teach Sunday school. I have not sung in public in over
a year. Rarely do I write, or blog for that matter. I haven't had a sell in my
shop since February mainly because I have all but neglected it. I haven't
finished my photography degree nor have I started my career as a photographer,
not even as a side job. I don't teach piano or craft classes. I still live with
my parents, I don't own a vehicle yet, and Mr.Right is either missing, took a
wrong turn and is stubborn, hiding, insists on camouflaging his identity,
doesn't know it or isn't even in the picture yet, or maybe I am the one running.
Whatever the case my so called perfect plan did not happen.
reminded of a conversation a lady I work with and I had not to long ago. I made
mention sometimes I feel old. In less than five years I will be thirty and I am
not married. I told her my plan about wanting to be married at twenty two with
kids by the age of twenty-four but obviously at twenty-five that has not
happened yet. This dear lady said something that my mind has replayed over and
over ever since, she said "that's just it, it was your plan, not Gods plan"
ouch! Talk about a truth I needed to be reminded of.
Often times at
night I will begin to ramble to my Mama about anything and everything and
usually end up preaching to myself much to the amusement of my Mama. Tonight I
made mention that somehow I begin to think I had to be perfect an it was a blow
to my ego when the reality hit me that I am not perfect...I am..big
gulp...human!!! I tried so hard not to be for some reason. I told her that if I
keep waiting to be perfect before I let God use me again, I will be waiting
until I am dead. I put that on my facebook status and a friend commented
reminding me that I was not perfect when God called me. He called me
I also told my Mama that I cannot run from the ministry, the
harder I try the more it finds me. Therein lies my biggest problem, running from
the calling God placed on my life.
Reality is, if I ever intend to be
happy I must embrace who God created me to be which means doing what He asks me
I'm not perfect but Jesus is and only through Him does my life
make sense.... It is not about what I have or have not done, it is about what He
did. All God asks of me is be willing and obedient, not perfect. He used a
donkey in the Bible, surely He can use me for His glory.
I Mardi Manning
am not perfect, but my Jesus is!