*I typed this post February 13, 2012 on my computer...*
It is four minutes until midnight and I cannot sleep. To much going
on in my mind. It seem I am going through a time where I question my purpose and
God’s plan for my life. I have known for years God called me, I know what He has
called me to, but lately I wonder when will His promises be fulfilled, when will
I get to step into the calling He has? How does being a pharmacy technician
working at a local Walgreens have anything to do with what I have known since I
was a child that God wanted me to do? How does clocking in, counting pills,
checking out customers, putting in insurance cards, explaining deductibles,
filing prescriptions, and everything else in between tie into what God’s plan is
for my life?
Don’t misunderstand, I love working with everyone I work
with. I am blessed to be around a great bunch of people, it really is like one
big Walgreens family. I enjoy seeing the majority of our customers, I like the
interaction and I have been extremely blessed. I know God allowed me to get this
job and put me there for a reason, but what is it? When will the next chapter in
my life begin?
I know God’s plan for me goes beyond the walls of
Walgreens, but when do I get to branch out? Lately I feel as if my life is one
big mundane routine of waking up, rushing to work, working, coming home, going
to bed, waking up and starting all over again. There has to be more to life than
this, I know it is!
I look at it as a learning experience, a growing
experience, an adventure that I did not expect to be honest with you. In late
March 2010 I put in an application to work at Walgreens, my goal was while I
study photography maybe I could work in the photo lab since I love photos, so
one afternoon while studying my photography course I connected to the internet,
started the application process and basically forgot about it until the
following week when my Mama woke me up one morning to let me know I had a phone
call. It was a member of management at Walgreens asking if I wanted to come in
for an interview, I did on a Wednesday, was sent for a drug test and the weekend
I received a phone call asking if I could start the following Monday! I was
excited, my first job outside of home and Church. It also started a whirlwind I
never expected, but reminiscing I am thankful for the journey…
off as service clerk, was able to work in photo, and in August of 2010 I moved
to the pharmacy department, a department I had decided at the very beginning I
did not want anything to do with. The few times I had been asked to help out in
pharmacy while still working on the floor, I was always relieved to get out of
there as quickly as possible, so when I was asked if I was interested in being a
pharmacy technician my first response was “No, thank you!” After talking to one
of the girls at work who believed I could do it, and after feeling something
inside that would not let me say a definite no, I finally heard myself telling
my manager I would go to pharmacy, not understanding why I said what I said and
surprising myself with the answer because I had every intention of saying “No.”
In July of 2011 I passed the pharmacy technician test and became a
certified pharmacy technician. I have to admit, I love pharmacy, but I still do
not understand how it ties into what God’s plan is for my life.
you an idea of what I mean about this whole experience being a growing
experience I will try and explain. Prior to being hired, I lived a fairly
sheltered life. My Daddy and Mama are protective of me, for which I am thankful.
I also home-schooled all but two years during first and second grade where I
attended a small Christian school and my Mama worked in the nursery down the
hall! I grew up in Church, I knew the Word, heard the Word of God preached all
my life. Sang the songs, taught Sunday school even preached a few times, so I
knew how a Christian was suppose to live. Prided (yes I said prided) in being a
Christian and knowing God’s Word and was bold in the comfort of my own home and
little bubble that I could do what was right and that I was confident in who
Christ made me to be, then the world hit me.
April 2010 brought a dose
of the reality and I began to understand as the weeks went by what the phrase
“Welcome to the real world,” really means. I began to realize that it is not so
easy once you enter a world where not everyone believes like you do, where you
are judged according to appearance, and you hear opinions from every angle.
Suddenly all you know seems to be questioned, confusion sets in, the devil loves
to use the world to hinder us. A battle began. For the first time in my 23 years
I was being faced all at once with questioning what I believed, why I believed
it and practicing what I preached.
See it’s easy to talk the talk and
walk the walk when you are in the comfort of a bubble, when you are surrounded
by like-minded individuals but once you enter the “real world” it isn’t so easy
to talk the talk or walk the walk. You become influenced by people who seem
wiser, who seem to have it all together, but do they? It was as if all at once I
began doubting who I was, do I really know anything? Am I right? Maybe I’m
wrong. Things became confusing. You want to know why? Because I stopped looking
to Christ, and began looking to everyone else. I all but completely stopped
spending time with God, so my focus became unclear. My relationship with Christ
began to be rocky. I knew He was my Lord and Savior. I trusted in Him and knew
He loved me, would never fail me and was always with me, but I faced a spiritual
battle like I never knew before.
2011 was a whirlwind. The year passed by
so fast, I struggled at an even greater level with my identity. I took people’s
word for fact when it was far from the truth. When I looked in the mirror I
didn’t always like what I saw. I questioned everything, over analyzed like never
before, lets just say I was far from secure in who I was. Truth be told I began
struggling with fear, doubt, and insecurity a couple years prior to entering the
“real world,” however as you know once reality hits those type thoughts and
insecurities escalade on another level entirely.
In June or July 2011 I
went to a Church, Church Alive for the first time. A dear sweet couple who I had
the privilege of meeting at Walgreens invited me to this Church. For weeks I
told them I would go but never did until one Sunday morning in late June or
early July, I was instantly amazed at how friendly everyone was. For the first
time in a long time I felt like I was being fed the Word of God. Not to sound
corny or like I’m saying this because it’s the name of the Church, but in all
honesty as I attended I began to feel alive, like I was waking up and realizing
what I had turned away from, who I am in Christ.
I didn’t start attending
the Church regularly until October of 2011, but I am tremendously thankful for
the sweet couple who invited me!
I still feel as if I am going through
the being restored process, I still feel God is bringing me back to the place of
being secure in Him. Being confident in who He created me to be. It wasn’t until
I started seeking Him again that the insecurities began to flee. I still
struggle with insecurities, I’m not totally confident, but I am learning that my
worth is found in Christ. Growing up I knew that, but once you face a battle,
once the “real world” hits learning your worth in Christ means so much more. I
cannot adequately express the feeling.
Prior to 2010 I struggled with
insecurity, doubt, fear, etc… I began questioning my identity, but it wasn’t
until late 2010 early 2011 that the struggle exploded into high gear, once it
exploded and I felt lost, confused, hurt and questioned everything, it wasn’t
until then that I began to realize like never before that it isn’t about me, it
is about Christ.
Now I am at the place of finding meaning in my life. I
always thought once I graduated from high school I would be in ministry
full-time. I would be doing what God called me to do, I graduated in 2005. I am
now 25 and I do not know what God is doing, often times I think I will just give
up, but I know the storm I went through, God brought me through it. I know He
has a purpose. He has a plan, and He is fulfilling it little by little. He did
not bring me through the ciaos to leave me stranded, no He gives me peace and He
holds me hand.
I may be frustrated, I may feel as if I am walking around
in circles. I may not understand why I’m not living out His calling like He
promised, I may not know when He is going to let me quit Walgreens and pursue
what I know He has for me, right now I feel He is about to do something, I am
restless….but His Word says to seek first the kingdom of heaven and His
righteousness and all these things will be added unto it.
How can I expect God to take me to the next chapter if I don’t seek Him. I have
my answer. Put Him first. Yes God brought me out of an identity crisis, I feel
like that storm has passed and I feel a peace that passes all understanding. A
security that was there all along but I refused to embrace. I know I am a
daughter of the King, yet I have neglected to put my Father first.
beginning to see, this journey is just beginning…… Want to put Christ first with
me? I have a feeling it is going to be an extraordinary adventure!