. Mardi Robyn: Adjusting My Lens Mardi Robyn: Adjusting My Lens

Monday, December 2, 2019

Adjusting My Lens

I wrote the following a couple weeks ago. 

I hate seizures. I hate them with a passion.  I am so frustrated at this season in life I cannot adequately put my frustration into words. 

In 2012 I wrecked a dirt bike with resulted in me hitting my head multiple times, I passed out and quit breathing, I died and was brought back to life.  I thank God for that.   I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post concussive syndrome (PCS)  along with a list of symptoms that fall under those categories, depression, anxiety and panic attacks just to name a few.  Later I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, (PTSD) and later psychogenic non epileptic seizures. (PNES)

What started out as petite mal seizures turned into grand mal seizures due to a medication a brain injury doctor prescribed.  He would not listen to me when I said the medication was making it worse, he increased the dose saying it just wasn't doing its job at the lower strength. Long story short after three months of this Doctor not listening to me, I went to my family Doctor who was amazing, he listened to me and realized what my parents and I knew, the medication the brain injury doctor put me on was making everything worse. My family doctor weaned me off of it, however it had done its damage and left me with non-epileptic seizures.

They come and go. Lately they have bombarded me with a fierceness and upset my world. I cannot drive until they stop and that irritates me beyond words.   I long to be free and independent again. To go and come as I please.  I feel like life is passing me by and all I am doing is getting older. How am I suppose to fulfill my dreams, my goals, God's plan for my life if I am stuck in a rut of health issues? Am I complaining, yes probably so. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No.  People say blog what you feel, so that is what I am doing. I have all this pent up irritation I have to let out.

I want to be stubborn and drive anyway, but I cannot. If I have a seizure while driving I could hurt not only myself but someone else and that would be devastating. It is also against the law in Alabama to drive without being free of seizures.  I hate this.  I am thankful I am alive and doing so much better than I was in the beginning but I am aggravated and I feel trapped.

I am praying God shows me an answer. Show me a way of escape. End the seizures and let me live my life.  I have dreamed of being a singer all of my life. I use to travel with my family and sing throughout Alabama and Florida.  I was privileged to be asked to sing places as a soloist. I miss singing so much.  I thought by now I would be in Nashville, but life has a way of stepping on your plans and sometimes you have to take a detour. I'm on a detour and I'm ready to push harder to see my dreams become reality.  I want to fulfill God's plan for my life. How?

There is joy in the journey, right now my joy is out of gas.  I am reminded of an old song sung by a southern gospel group "The Hinsons," it is titled, "Soul Fillin' Station."  I think I need to go visit God's gas station and fill up. I feel empty.  Yes I am a Christian, but I need His peace that passes all understanding. I need Jesus to take back control of my life that I tried taking from Him. I have tried to do it my way for far to long and it hasn't worked.

Seizures are a problem, but maybe they are not the bigger problem, maybe my problem is my focus needs adjusting. As a photographer I like using photography as illustrations, sometimes when I look through the lens of my Nikon, all I see is a blurry mess, it isn't until I adjust the focus that I can see a clearer picture.  It's time I adjust my lens.

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