Throwback Post: Understanding The Past Three Months

I'm going to try and blog about this and put it into simple format. Long story short Memorial Day of this year I wrecked a dirt bike, hit a brick wall, my jeep and the ground. I hit my head three times. Back of head twice, and front of my head once. I was knocked unconscious, stopped breathing, and I have been told my lips and face started turning blue before I was brought back to consciousness. I was taken to an Emergency Room by ambulance where x-rays and cat scans were done to see if I had any broken bones. No bones were broken, but I did have a concussion.

Since the wreck my world has been turned upside down and it is confusing to try and explain. A few days after the wreck my parents and I began noticing I was developing some symptoms more than being confused and shocked, and in pain. My Dad made me a Doctors appointment. My Doctor told me that I was developing PCS (post concussive syndrome). It is common when someone suffers a traumatic injury. My Doctor told me it could take 12 weeks to a year before I see changes in improvement and to recover 100%. He advised me not to return to work yet. However I was stubborn and insisted that there was nothing wrong with me and would he please write a Doctors excuse for a week at a time instead of an extended period of time. I was in denial. I believed I could be stubborn, use mind over matter like I usually do when sick and recover in no time. However with pcs that is not the case.

Trying to force recovery makes it worse. It can take 10-14 days after an injury for pcs to begin showing up in full force. It wasn't long and that began being the case, panic/anxiety attacks increased, stress made it worse and I found I couldn't handle things, including insurance calls, notifying work, etc.. my Daddy had to take over for me, because well..I couldn't. For the first time in years I found myself being dependent on someone else. Up until then I prided myself on handling my business. If I was sick I called in work myself if I needed to. I could explain what was going on with me. But when the pcs symptoms increased I felt helpless and out of control. Some people think I was being a baby having to have my Dad handle things, but that is not the case. Point blank, I couldn't. It was making everything worse when I tried to handle things. My brain was bruised, it still is, but it is recovering. My therapist, doctor and counselor say that it is normal to have to have someone take over when pcs kicks in. To make this simpler and not so long, I'm going to do the rest of this blog post in a question and answer format.

Q. Why are you doing this blog post? Are you looking for attention?

A. Absolutely not. Family and friends are curious as to what is going on, I have trouble explaining verbally, so I decided to take time to work out my thoughts in a blog post. It's easier than a Facebook status.

Q. You seem normal online and when texting...

A. Communication through technology does not feel threatening. And it isn't verbal. It's less stress all the way around. When I communicate verbally I sometimes have trouble getting my words out. The more stressed I feel the worse it gets. I can know what I want to say, visualize the word in my mind but still have trouble saying it without a long pause. It is frustrating.

Q. You talked just fine after the wreck...

A. True, PCS can take 10-14 days after an injury to really mess with you. That's what happened in my case. Once the shock of the wreck began wearing off, the symptoms started and escalated.

Q. How can you work on your jewelry business but not go to work?

A. Big difference. PCS makes me feel like a recluse. I work on making jewelry as a therapy when I cannot sleep or when I an having an anxiety attack and need a distraction. (Sometimes I can't distract, it has to take its course). Jewelry making has been a longtime hobby of mine. It doesn't require thinking and it comes natural to me. I can do it at my own pace while I recover and it helps me feel useful and in control of something, when I feel like everything else in my life right now is out of control. It allows me to communicate online with people. However it doesn't take the place of face-to-face interaction which I miss a lot. It has kept me from sinking into depression, given me something to keep me going so to speak. My therapist and counselor say this is normal and a good hobby to have to keep from being depressed through all of this since depression is a symptom of pcs and I have to fight it on a daily basis.

Q. Doesn't making jewelry and selling it online require shipping, which means going to the post office and interacting?

A. It does, thankfully my Mama does that for me because I cannot until I recover. She is very sweet! I am blessed with amazing parents who are helping me through this otherwise difficult time.

Q. Can't you control panic attacks? Tough it up and make yourself get over this.

A. No. When an attack occurs I have no control over it. It can happen at random times. A loud noise, a spider, storms, etc..

Q. Can you drive?

A. No. I frequently get lightheaded, dizzy, have the "passing out" feeling, and feel disoriented. Plus with panic attacks, it isn't a good idea for me to drive yet.

Q. Do you go to the store? Stay at home? What have you been doing?

A. I have tried going into a store a few times with my Mama, or both of my parents, and I do good until there are loud noises, or crowds of people, or my brain just gets scared. When this happens I panic, I freeze, my world spins and I feel like I could pass out. My Mama usually has to help talk me into putting one foot in front of the other so that I can go to the car. Aside from therapy and counseling I haven't tried go into a store anywhere that often. I cannot be left at home by myself yet because of the unpredictable symptoms. We can't risk me passing out and no one being home, or me having an anxiety attack, being alone makes it worse. So when Mama has to run up the road to the post office or store I ride but I stay in the car until she gets out. For major grocery shopping trips, my Daddy has been sweet enough to do that for my Mama while I recover.

In a nut shell I wrecked, I hit my head six times, I passed out, stopped breathing, (was out so long they say I was beginning to turn blue..) regained consciousness, developed pcs, symptoms worsened within 10-14 days. I cannot force myself to recover, it has to take time. My brain is bruised, I received a shock. The brain is a funny thing, it has many nerve endings, many parts, and when areas of the brain receive injury it takes time to recover from. It's easy not to understand because it isn't broken bones people can see, however if you were around me, you would see symptoms that prove there is an injury.

Q. Will you recover?

A. Absolutely! I am already improving, but I have a long way to go.

Q. What help are you receiving?

A. I see my Doctor every four weeks now instead of every week (Big improvement!!) I see a speech therapist two times a week, a physical therapist two times a week, and a counselor who specializes in brain injuries every two weeks. The speech therapist is helping me remember things I have forgotten. Lot of my problem is coordination, and movement, (they call it cognitive something another), trying to move and do things, like making a salad for example, first time I tried to do that since all of this I felt overwhelmed. Simple tasks like taking a shower, hanging up clothes, etc.. makes me feel like I am climbing a mountain. My speech therapist is helping me regain confidence in doing things, helping me work past mental blocks, helping me learn how to work past the moments when I know what I want to say but cannot, and she will help me be able to be around more than couple of people at a time, like before the wreck.

My physical therapist is helping me work on balance, and improving the strength in my right leg (from where I hurt my hip) so that I can walk without limping, and without falling.

My counselor has contently plus years of experience working with people who have experienced all types of brain injuries. She is helping me work through a lot that is a result of the wreck. She gives me tips on how to feel in control again and how to help recover from a panic attack.

My Doctor called me a classic textbook case for pcs. When printing out a checklist and asking, me symptoms and evaluating them, I have almost all of the symptoms that pcs causes, says my Doctor, therapist, and counselor. They advise me not to over do it. That if I try and force myself to recover it will make it worse. If I put myself in a stressful environment or go back to normal life before the wreck to soon it will cause more damage than good and make everything worse. It could cause my brain to go into more shock and prolong recovery and make it severely worse. I can attest to this. The times I have tried to force myself to be "normal" since the wreck I panic, I feel more stressed, I get an instant headache unlike a normal everyday headache, I feel myself drawing inwardly, I get scared, and I have no control over it, because part of my brain goes into hiding. I am not disabled. I have an injury. Good news is I am recovering. It is just taking time.

I could go into detail of how I feel, going in depth about the symptoms. I could blog about all the sleepless nights, the flashbacks, friends that stopped talking to me because of the injury, or humiliated me, and gossip because they don't understand and won't ask me, which added hurt to injury, I could give you a lot of detail, but I choose not to. It is hard to talk about what you are going through. Only when you come out on the other side of a battle, can you fully appreciate the battle and be able to tell your story. This chapter in my life isn't over, but when it is I will be able to blog or even talk about it and understand it better.

I did this blog post so family and friends can understand. Its easier to explain at one time and direct everyone to this blog post, than it is trying to explain multiply times, however feel free to ask questions...

Thanks for all the love, prayers, encouragement and support! I am extremely blessed with amazing family and friends.