Why Am I Here? My Story Is Not Over.

What am I here for?  Why was I born? What am I suppose to do? What is God's plan for my life? No matter how we word it, we all ask ourselves the same thing,  I know I have.

From a young age I knew God called me, set me apart to be in service for Him, to be used by Him, to love others, help others, shine the light of Jesus in a world that is dark.

My story starts before I was born, before I was even in my Mama's womb really.  An injury lead a Doctor to tell my Daddy he would not be able to have any biological children.  For many years he had already been a Daddy, to some of his nephews, and to my two oldest sisters who my Mama gave birth to during her first marriage.  Both she and my Daddy were married before marrying each other.  I tell you this because it is no secret on my blog, I have two older sisters who are not half sisters, I do not believe in half or step as people say, neither do my Parents or sisters. We are all family, period.

One Sunday my Daddy was at the alter at Church praying with a group of people for a couple who wanted to have a baby. While praying, God spoke to Daddy's heart and let Him know He and my Mama would have a child.

Little did they know at the time, God was already forming me in my Mama's womb.  With God All things are possible. 

 My Mama found out in 1986 that she was pregnant with a baby girl, me! 

Doctor said I would be a Thanksgiving Baby, born around Thanksgiving.  I was born September 30th.  During pregnancy my Mama and I had become toxic to one another, she was swollen worse than normal swelling from pregnancy, and things were not looking good. My Mama went to the Doctor for a checkup and He told her she would be having the baby, me that day.   The Doctor did an emergency c-section.   He did not believe my Mama nor I would live the rest of the day.  I was born weighing 2lbs, 8 ounces. I dropped to 2lbs 5 ounces. 


The Doctor and nurses worked to keep both my Mama and I stable.  The Doctor came into the waiting room and told my Daddy he did not expect me to live much longer, that an artery was punctured and I was squirting out blood from my mouth, they had done everything to help me.   My Daddy told me when the Doctor left my Aunt began sobbing "She is going to die." Daddy told her to "Shut up, God gave me this baby, she is not going to die."  He trusted God.  It was not long after the Doctor came out and said "Mr. Manning we do not know what happened, but the artery has stopped squirting blood."  Daddy knew,  God intervened.   The Doctor did not have any hope that I would live through the night, but I did, both my Mama and I are alive and well today.

The Doctors told my Parents I would be in the hospital off and on most of my life, I would need a lot of therapy and help and would not develop mentally or physically as fast as others my age.  Instead, I was in the hospital one month.  My Parents believed God would heal me, and He did. I was not mentally or physically slow. I had no disability. I was normal. I was healed.  God healed me. 

Monday, May 28th, 2012,  Memorial Day at the age of twenty-five I wrecked a dirt bike at my house.  Prior to this day I had never been on a dirt bike,  I thought it would be a piece of cake, after all I had rode a bicycle and a 4-wheeler several times, what could be that different, I told myself.   My nephew who is like my brother, we are close in age, he showed me where the brakes, gas and clutch were several times to make sure I understood.  I was confident I did.  I hit the clutch with my right foot and gave the gas a push, bike did not move. I tried it again, same result, I tried again, the bike barely moved. A soft voice kept telling me, don't keep trying, stop.  I did not listen. I am stubborn. I thought to myself, you are just being silly. I was determined to ride it.  With some irritation and stubborn determination I repeated the steps, clutch, gas. Only this time I gave it to much gas and the dirt bike took off with me hanging on.  I experienced panic for the first time in my life. My mind reverted back to riding a 10 speed bicycle as a child, and hitting the brake on the handle bars, I did the same thing on the dirt bike, only what I thought was the brake was the gas.  The dirt bike went up on the back tire for a few feet and straight towards my jeep, I reached my left arm out towards the jeep to try to steady myself and jerked the handle of the dirt bike with my right hand, In doing so I was thrown into the brick wall of my house.  I hit my head 5-6 times.  My back was thrown into the corner of the carport bricks, the impact jarred my head.  I hit the right side of my head on the bricks, the back of my head and the left side of my head. Imagine turning your head fast and hitting it each time, that is about the how it went.  I tried to catch my balance, and ended up falling and hitting my head on the front of my jeep that was less than a foot in front of the carport.  I tried standing a third time, and could not feel my legs, my head was dizzy, I felt hot and disoriented. I fell to the ground, hitting the back of my head.  I laid there trying to inwardly tell myself that it would be okay.  I had felt dizzy and faint in the past, I knew from experience if I laid still and waited it would pass.  Only it did not.  Hundreds of thoughts flashed through my mind. I felt a gentle breeze wash over me, the day was hot, no breeze,  what I felt was the Holy Spirit with me, comforting me. I was not afraid. 

My parents told me I quit breathing for around five minutes, I turned blue, and had a seizure and was gone. 

My Daddy did mouth to mouth resuscitation to bring me back to breathing, nothing. It did not work.  I am told when nothing was working, he rebuked the devil and said I belonged to God, I was His child. I heard myself calling out to Jesus as I came too. God once again had intervened. It was not my time to go.

I was rushed by ambulance to a nearby hospital, told I had a concussion but would be fine.  During the week things started looking bad, within two weeks, things were not improving. I began having panic attacks, depression, and my speech was messing up, to name a few things that were wrong.  I remember laying on the loveseat in our office having one panic attack after another, I felt like I could not breath and I begged God to let me die, I told my Mama to call Daddy at work.  I felt like I was fixing to die and I wanted Him to be with her. Mama rushed me to my Doctor, Daddy met us there.  I was diagnosed with having had a traumatic brain injury, and post concussive syndrome.  Doctor said it looked like a classic textbook case.  In addition to having a traumatic brain injury and post concussive syndrome, I was diagnosed with a manic depressive disorder.  My journey with a brain injury was just beginning.  Later I would be diagnosed with non epileptic seizures, claustrophobia, memory loss, brain fogs, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a list of other symptoms that come with a major traumatic brain injury.  

During the last four years I have been to Doctor appointment after Doctor appointment, appointments with my brain injury therapist, physical therapy, and two different speech therapists.  The first speech therapist I went to, we had to stop going because the other brain injury symptoms were at their worst and I would have days of no sleep or multiple panic attacks when it was time to go to an appointment, I was tired all of the time.  After a month of going to physical therapy, it got to where I could not go anymore because of the same reason for quitting speech therapy. My Doctor gave me a list of exercises to do at home to improve muscle strength and get me walking without limping on my right side like I had been. I am happy to say I do not limp today, unless I walk for hours in the wrong shoes!  

In 2015 I saw a Physiatrist who specializes in brain injuries. He referred me to a speech therapist less than 20 minutes from where I lived. I went through her entire program. My memory block improved. I stopped having trouble getting words out of my mouth that were stuck in my brain.    It has been a long journey. 

Today in 2017 I have come a long way because of God, my Parents, my family, close friends, my Doctor, and therapists. At one time I was on twelve plus medications a day.  Now I am on two. I am no longer depressed, I go anywhere I want too.  I have not had a seizure in two, going on three weeks. Instead of seeing my Doctor weekly, I see him every six weeks.  I no longer see the Physiatrist, brain injury therapist, or speech therapist.  

God has shown me His love and mercy and endless grace through my recovery, through healing.  On the days and nights I wanted to give up and die, God was with me. On the nights I could not sleep, when all I saw was darkness, despair, and no hope, Jesus would show me His unconditional love for me.  He has been my strength.   God is not finished with me.

There is much more to my brain injury story, but I am trying to condense it.  I share my story with you to let you know, you are not alone.   Everything I have been through makes me that much more aware of God's calling on my life.  There was a time I sang in Churches, at festivals and events, I even spoke at Church.  I taught Sunday school for six years.  I love spreading the love of God.  Many times in the past four, almost five years I have questioned God, cried out to Him, wondering why He gave me gifts that seemed to be rotting. I have asked God why did I go through what I have gone through. Why am I not completely over this brain injury? What is my purpose?  Why didn't you let me die when I was a baby? God, why didn't you let me die when I wrecked? Why did you bring me back, was it to suffer with a TBI for the rest of my life? No!  Are you through with me? No! He is not. He did not bring me through everything He has brought me through to cast me aside now. I have to trust His timing. 

  I have dreams, visions, prayers that I have yet to see fulfilled.  I know in God's timing they will be.  He planted desires in my heart as a child that is part of His plan for my life. They have not happened yet, but I know that they will.  

Why am I here?  What does God want me to do with my life?  The answer is simple, love God and love people.  Maybe you are saying, yeah but what about God's calling?  That is His calling.  Yes, He has specific things He has called each of us to do based on the talents and gifts He gives us, and if we remain faithful to Him and are willing to let Him use us, He will fulfill everything in our lives that He promised.  While we wait, praise God. While we wait, serve God. While we wait, love each other.  Ask yourself what you can do to help other people, to show people God's love, and then do it.  Before you know it, God will open those doors that no one can close, but we have to keep His commandments, and follow in His ways.  


We are here for God's purpose. We are here to help each other.  I know if I let Him, God can use what I have gone through, and what I am going through for His glory to help others. If my struggles and all the times I questioned God and begged Him to let me die, if God can use me to tell just one person going through the same kind of despair, that it gets better, that God will walk through the storm with them, that He loves and cares for them, I know because I have been there. If God can use me to help just one person, to show them God loves them, that Jesus died for them, that His love is enough to see them through anything, then everything I have gone through will be worth it.  

Use my story, for your glory God, that is my prayer, that is why I am here, for God to use me to help others.  What the devil meant to harm me, God will use as a testimony of His love.  Use me God, use me.