Adjusting My Lens

I wrote the following a couple weeks ago. 

I hate seizures. I hate them with a passion.  I am so frustrated at this season in life I cannot adequately put my frustration into words. 

In 2012 I wrecked a dirt bike with resulted in me hitting my head multiple times, I passed out and quit breathing, I died and was brought back to life.  I thank God for that.   I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post concussive syndrome (PCS)  along with a list of symptoms that fall under those categories, depression, anxiety and panic attacks just to name a few.  Later I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, (PTSD) and later psychogenic non epileptic seizures. (PNES)

What started out as petite mal seizures turned into grand mal seizures due to a medication a brain injury doctor prescribed.  He would not listen to me when I said the medication was making it worse, he increased the dose saying it just wasn't doing its job at the lower strength. Long story short after three months of this Doctor not listening to me, I went to my family Doctor who was amazing, he listened to me and realized what my parents and I knew, the medication the brain injury doctor put me on was making everything worse. My family doctor weaned me off of it, however it had done its damage and left me with non-epileptic seizures.

They come and go. Lately they have bombarded me with a fierceness and upset my world. I cannot drive until they stop and that irritates me beyond words.   I long to be free and independent again. To go and come as I please.  I feel like life is passing me by and all I am doing is getting older. How am I suppose to fulfill my dreams, my goals, God's plan for my life if I am stuck in a rut of health issues? Am I complaining, yes probably so. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No.  People say blog what you feel, so that is what I am doing. I have all this pent up irritation I have to let out.

I want to be stubborn and drive anyway, but I cannot. If I have a seizure while driving I could hurt not only myself but someone else and that would be devastating. It is also against the law in Alabama to drive without being free of seizures.  I hate this.  I am thankful I am alive and doing so much better than I was in the beginning but I am aggravated and I feel trapped.

I am praying God shows me an answer. Show me a way of escape. End the seizures and let me live my life.  I have dreamed of being a singer all of my life. I use to travel with my family and sing throughout Alabama and Florida.  I was privileged to be asked to sing places as a soloist. I miss singing so much.  I thought by now I would be in Nashville, but life has a way of stepping on your plans and sometimes you have to take a detour. I'm on a detour and I'm ready to push harder to see my dreams become reality.  I want to fulfill God's plan for my life. How?

There is joy in the journey, right now my joy is out of gas.  I am reminded of an old song sung by a southern gospel group "The Hinsons," it is titled, "Soul Fillin' Station."  I think I need to go visit God's gas station and fill up. I feel empty.  Yes I am a Christian, but I need His peace that passes all understanding. I need Jesus to take back control of my life that I tried taking from Him. I have tried to do it my way for far to long and it hasn't worked.

Seizures are a problem, but maybe they are not the bigger problem, maybe my problem is my focus needs adjusting. As a photographer I like using photography as illustrations, sometimes when I look through the lens of my Nikon, all I see is a blurry mess, it isn't until I adjust the focus that I can see a clearer picture.  It's time I adjust my lens.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Ten

August 2013.

Life....what is it really? To be alive, to be living.  I am alive but, am I living. I am breathing, my heart is beating.  I am alive. I am living, but am I living my destiny? I don' t know.  I feel there is more to life than what I am living.  I know there is. So why am I not living it?  Why am I holding myself back, or am I?  I am.   to truly live is to fully surrender to God.  Why have I not surrendered? He brought me back to life for a purpose.  I want to know what it is. I want to walk in it. Do it. Become it. I want to live life in Christ where real freedom is found. 

Surrender.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Ten

January 2013.

Don't worry Mardi!! Stop!! You cannot control anyone. You cannot control everything. Let it go! Life continues. It is not the end of the world. Breath!! Relax!! Stay calm. Give it to God! Only He can work it out for His good and the good of everyone involved. Hold your head up. Don't panic! Smile!! It is going to be alright. I promise, God has you covered. You are safe and secure sheltered from the storm, under His wings so is your Daddy, your Mama, and everyone involved. Breath! You cannot control it. People have the right to make their own choices, even the choices that are not beneficial to them or anyone else.  All you can do is give it to God, continue thanking God and praising Him. Trusting in His strength and ability to handle anything.   Show the love of God. Be a friend. Be there. Don't fuss that makes it worse.  Stay focused. Stay true. God's got this!!  Breath!!

The same God who gave you that breath and the breaths that follow has the situation worked out.  He knows the outcome. You are safe and so is your family and safe y'all will remain.  Fear has no place. Rebuke it in Jesus name. Resist the devil and he will flee. Call on Jesus He will set you free.  Hold His hand He understands. I guarantee He is the strength you can feel and see. Rely on Him.  He loves you! Be strong! Be brave! God has the final say.  You are healed.  You are safe. Breath! Jesus made the way! Trust Him and obey. It is the only sure way. Trust and obey Jesus made the way. You are protected. You are loved. Breath. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Nine

September 2012.

It is 2:38am I have not been to sleep. My days and nights are mixed up again. I have counseling tomorrow at 1:00pm in Hattiesburg with Mrs. P.  As of Monday I dropped my Physical Therapist and my Speech Therapist since we cancelled more appointments then we attended due to me either being sick or having bad days with panic attacks.  I now see my brain injury counselor therapist once every two weeks and my Doctor once ever six weeks now instead of four.

Praise God! I know I am recovering.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Eight

September 2012.

I haven't journaled in a while. My days have been a mixture of good days and bad. The past two weeks more bad than good. My God is still alive and He always will be and by His Son Jesus shed blood I am healed. I believe it.  I am seeing positive results and soon I will witness the total victory, well maybe I should rephrase, I have total victory in Christ and soon I will see my complete healing instead of snapshots or thumbnails of the complete picture. God is great. He is awesome. I love Him. I thank Him! I praise Him!  He loves me!

Traumatic Brain Injury: Post Seven

August 2012.

Yesterday I slept the day away. I finally fell asleep around 9am, woke up at 3pm, went back to sleep, woke up around 6:30pm to check my phone, went back to sleep and then got up around 11pm It is now 3:45am and I am awake but sleepy.

I wish I knew why my journal is falling a part. It is not old. Oh well.

The sun comes up I am wide awake and I feel so alone.  It hurts.  I am sad. I feel lost, rejected, abandoned. I also am jealous.  I hate jealousy.  It is a waste of emotion yet, I can't shake it.  I feel abandoned. I am hurt. Yet none of my friends I know in person take the time to come see me. This hurts.  I guess everyone at sometime in life feels rejected, abandoned and invisible. I wish in so many ways that I could rewind time back to May on Memorial Day. I wouldn't hop on the dirtbike. But it is August almost September and I sit here on the verge of tears because my world is different and I feel all alone.  Here comes the tears. Only they won't let me cry as much as I need. 

Someone on Facebook encouraged me. I needed the encouragement. I thank God for His blessings on me. I am alive and I have family and friends who love me and for that I am thankful, But, right now I still hurt...

Thank God for encouraging family and friends. For Praise and Worship music.

Thank God for my sister who gave me this quote,

"Stop putting your confidence in outward things. You, are a child of God and He loves you! That gives you worth and value." Joyce Meyer

Yes! Yes! Yes! I am a daughter of the King. I am blood bought and redeemed, no longer bound by sin and shame, Jesus blood it still remains. I am a daughter of the King.

My sister just put a graphic quote on Facebook for me that reads,

   "God knows who belongs in your life and who doesn't. Trust God and let go. Whoever is meant to be there, will."

End of Journal Entry.

During this time. I was in a dark depression.  Friends my age that I knew in person who lived in Mississippi close to me, that I worked with, I thought would be there for me. I thought they would come see me while I was at home recovering, I was wrong.   Through it all, God was with me, and I am thankful that He never leaves me nor forsakes me.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Six

August 2012.

  Henry Kissinger said "A diamond is merely a lump of coal that has been perfected under pressure."
I wonder if I will become like a diamond polished in my Masters hand when I come through this trial.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Five

8-23-12

It is 5:33am and I have actually been sleeping! Praise the Lord! I fell asleep around 11:40pm and woke up at 1:37am, I went back to sleep and woke up again at 3:30am. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 5:28am.  This is an improvement considering for weeks I would still be awake at this time, not being able to sleep! I didn't sleep much all the past few days.  Thank the Lord my sleeping pattern is going back to normal. I believe in Jesus name!  I am recovering!  All things are possible with my Jesus.  

     I have therapy today at 1:00pm and 2:00pm with my speech therapist and physical therapist.  I wont to stay home and rest, but this is where my determination to get better makes myself get up and go. For now though, I am going to sleep some more.  My God is great, He is amazing and I love Him! He loves me! Verse to dwell on Romans 8:28

  Therapy today was good and bad, the good news is I will be going to both Physical and Speech Therapy twice a week. Mondays and Thursdays. My Physical Therapist Mrs. J said we will have eight sessions over the next four weeks and she believes that will improve my strength and balance tremendously and we will take it from there.  My Speech Therapist Mrs. T said that I am showing improvement and my stubbornness and determination will see me through but I still have a long way to go and it could take longer than anticipated to get back into the swing of things like normal, like before the wreck. However I know my God is a miracle Worker and He can do anything. Nothing is impossible with Him.

End of Journal Entry.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series: Post Four

August, 22, 2012

There is so much I do not understand right now. Everything seems out of sorts, like taking a box, turning it upside down and shaking it.  Things are confusing and unknown, but I am learning to trust God. 


End of Journal Entry.


During the worst part of the traumatic brain injury, things were very confusing. At times I did not know my name, or the names of the people around me.  These moments of confusion would be just that, moments, but they were frustrating.   I was learning to trust God, when I didn't trust myself, or my brain because it was scared, shocked, and frightened from the traumatic brain injury.  

Traumatic Brain Injury Series Post Three.

I wrote this in my Journal in August of 2012.

There is so much I do not understand right now. Everything seems out of sorts, like taking a box, turning it upside down and shaking it.  Things are confusing and unknown but, I am learning to trust God.

A dear sweet lady posted a graphic photo on her Facebook and I needed to read it.  The graphic read..

"Whenever you do not understand what's happening in our life, just close your eyes, take a deep breath and say, 'God, I know it is your plan, just help me through it. Amen." ~Anonymous.

I needed to read that quote.

End of journal entry.


Let me stress something. God did not cause my wreck to happen. God did not give me a traumatic brain injury, the devil did. I wrecked because I got on a dirt bike and did not know how to drive one. God allowed it to happen. He warned me not to get on the dirt bike, but I was stubborn and did not listen.  The good news is God is taking what the devil mean to harm me and turning it into a testimony of Gods glory and goodness, His faithfulness and proving to me that He loves me.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series Post Two

I wrote this journal entry in August of 2012. I was scared and confused, all a part of a traumatic brain injury.  This journal entry is more personal then the first one, as you will see if you continue reading my series, each post will become more personal.   This was my pray to Jesus. I was lost, confused, hurt. People I thought were my friends were talking bad about me because of my traumatic brain injury, and making fun of me.  It hurt. I needed relief from the pain, and I knew Jesus was and still is the answer today.

Lord God, give me the courage to walk in Your will for my life and not to worry about what people say. Help me not to give in and conform to their ways, but let me conform to You and cling to You always. Help me Jesus. I need You each day. Hold me and don't let me stray.

Traumatic Brain Injury Series Post 1.

To begin this series of my traumatic brain injury journey, I think it best to start with some of the writings I did in my journal after my injury.  It is through them you can get a deeper look.

This particular journal entry I made in August 2012, almost three months after I wrecked May 28th, 2012.  In this post I was reflecting on life before the wreck, and well, so I don't give it away before you get to read the entry, here it is...

As a teenager I would write and journal often. I love to write. In the beginning of my twenties I wrote often and blogged a lot. 

Then the real world hit me. I got a job and a new world spread out before me and I quickly and somewhat foolishly found myself opening up to people, neglecting being cautious who I opened up to at work, and neglecting writing and blogging on a daily basis. 

That is when the confusion set in. Long story short, not everyone is a friend.  A lot of people are nosy and pretend. I learned not to be so naive. 

I believe I will be expressing my thoughts and working things out in my mind by writing it on paper again. I find through writing that I am more myself. I am connected with my thoughts and inner feelings and most importantly more time to listen to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is when I write I quiet everything and am more apt to listen.  Welcome back to my first love of communicating....writing.

End of journal entry.

You may wonder how this has anything to do with a traumatic brain injury. I will explain. See this was the first journal entry I wrote after my brain injury. It was through expressing myself on paper that I realized writing would help me with my traumatic brain injury.   Not everyone would understand, but writing helps clear my confusion. With a traumatic brain injury, especially in the beginning stages I felt out of control.   Writing made me feel like I had some control, and it helped me understand what I was going through, which in turn helped me be able to vocalize what I was going through to my Parents, Family, Close Friends, Doctors, Therapists and Counselor.

Suicidal Thoughts? Don't Give Up.

I shared this on my Facebook page Wednesday night, and posted it on my YouTube channel tonight. I wanted to share it here on my blog as well. It is my prayer that my testimony encourages you.







The link the Derek Hough's Video Below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kr-O...

 I am not associated with this video. I do not know Derek Hough or any of the actors, actresses or producers of the video. I watched it and it spoke to my heart and inspired me to share my story on my Facebook, YouTube Channel and now on my blog.

A Small Part of My Testimony and Me Singing "Praise His Name."

I posted this on my Facebook page earlier this evening and wanted to share it in a blog post.

In this video I share a small part of my testimony and sing a song called "Praise His Name," written Bruce Haynes and made popular by Jeff and Sheri Easter.

Why Am I Here? My Story Is Not Over.

What am I here for?  Why was I born? What am I suppose to do? What is God's plan for my life? No matter how we word it, we all ask ourselves the same thing,  I know I have.

From a young age I knew God called me, set me apart to be in service for Him, to be used by Him, to love others, help others, shine the light of Jesus in a world that is dark.

My story starts before I was born, before I was even in my Mama's womb really.  An injury lead a Doctor to tell my Daddy he would not be able to have any biological children.  For many years he had already been a Daddy, to some of his nephews, and to my two oldest sisters who my Mama gave birth to during her first marriage.  Both she and my Daddy were married before marrying each other.  I tell you this because it is no secret on my blog, I have two older sisters who are not half sisters, I do not believe in half or step as people say, neither do my Parents or sisters. We are all family, period.

One Sunday my Daddy was at the alter at Church praying with a group of people for a couple who wanted to have a baby. While praying, God spoke to Daddy's heart and let Him know He and my Mama would have a child.

Little did they know at the time, God was already forming me in my Mama's womb.  With God All things are possible. 

 My Mama found out in 1986 that she was pregnant with a baby girl, me! 

Doctor said I would be a Thanksgiving Baby, born around Thanksgiving.  I was born September 30th.  During pregnancy my Mama and I had become toxic to one another, she was swollen worse than normal swelling from pregnancy, and things were not looking good. My Mama went to the Doctor for a checkup and He told her she would be having the baby, me that day.   The Doctor did an emergency c-section.   He did not believe my Mama nor I would live the rest of the day.  I was born weighing 2lbs, 8 ounces. I dropped to 2lbs 5 ounces. 


The Doctor and nurses worked to keep both my Mama and I stable.  The Doctor came into the waiting room and told my Daddy he did not expect me to live much longer, that an artery was punctured and I was squirting out blood from my mouth, they had done everything to help me.   My Daddy told me when the Doctor left my Aunt began sobbing "She is going to die." Daddy told her to "Shut up, God gave me this baby, she is not going to die."  He trusted God.  It was not long after the Doctor came out and said "Mr. Manning we do not know what happened, but the artery has stopped squirting blood."  Daddy knew,  God intervened.   The Doctor did not have any hope that I would live through the night, but I did, both my Mama and I are alive and well today.

The Doctors told my Parents I would be in the hospital off and on most of my life, I would need a lot of therapy and help and would not develop mentally or physically as fast as others my age.  Instead, I was in the hospital one month.  My Parents believed God would heal me, and He did. I was not mentally or physically slow. I had no disability. I was normal. I was healed.  God healed me. 

Monday, May 28th, 2012,  Memorial Day at the age of twenty-five I wrecked a dirt bike at my house.  Prior to this day I had never been on a dirt bike,  I thought it would be a piece of cake, after all I had rode a bicycle and a 4-wheeler several times, what could be that different, I told myself.   My nephew who is like my brother, we are close in age, he showed me where the brakes, gas and clutch were several times to make sure I understood.  I was confident I did.  I hit the clutch with my right foot and gave the gas a push, bike did not move. I tried it again, same result, I tried again, the bike barely moved. A soft voice kept telling me, don't keep trying, stop.  I did not listen. I am stubborn. I thought to myself, you are just being silly. I was determined to ride it.  With some irritation and stubborn determination I repeated the steps, clutch, gas. Only this time I gave it to much gas and the dirt bike took off with me hanging on.  I experienced panic for the first time in my life. My mind reverted back to riding a 10 speed bicycle as a child, and hitting the brake on the handle bars, I did the same thing on the dirt bike, only what I thought was the brake was the gas.  The dirt bike went up on the back tire for a few feet and straight towards my jeep, I reached my left arm out towards the jeep to try to steady myself and jerked the handle of the dirt bike with my right hand, In doing so I was thrown into the brick wall of my house.  I hit my head 5-6 times.  My back was thrown into the corner of the carport bricks, the impact jarred my head.  I hit the right side of my head on the bricks, the back of my head and the left side of my head. Imagine turning your head fast and hitting it each time, that is about the how it went.  I tried to catch my balance, and ended up falling and hitting my head on the front of my jeep that was less than a foot in front of the carport.  I tried standing a third time, and could not feel my legs, my head was dizzy, I felt hot and disoriented. I fell to the ground, hitting the back of my head.  I laid there trying to inwardly tell myself that it would be okay.  I had felt dizzy and faint in the past, I knew from experience if I laid still and waited it would pass.  Only it did not.  Hundreds of thoughts flashed through my mind. I felt a gentle breeze wash over me, the day was hot, no breeze,  what I felt was the Holy Spirit with me, comforting me. I was not afraid. 

My parents told me I quit breathing for around five minutes, I turned blue, and had a seizure and was gone. 

My Daddy did mouth to mouth resuscitation to bring me back to breathing, nothing. It did not work.  I am told when nothing was working, he rebuked the devil and said I belonged to God, I was His child. I heard myself calling out to Jesus as I came too. God once again had intervened. It was not my time to go.

I was rushed by ambulance to a nearby hospital, told I had a concussion but would be fine.  During the week things started looking bad, within two weeks, things were not improving. I began having panic attacks, depression, and my speech was messing up, to name a few things that were wrong.  I remember laying on the loveseat in our office having one panic attack after another, I felt like I could not breath and I begged God to let me die, I told my Mama to call Daddy at work.  I felt like I was fixing to die and I wanted Him to be with her. Mama rushed me to my Doctor, Daddy met us there.  I was diagnosed with having had a traumatic brain injury, and post concussive syndrome.  Doctor said it looked like a classic textbook case.  In addition to having a traumatic brain injury and post concussive syndrome, I was diagnosed with a manic depressive disorder.  My journey with a brain injury was just beginning.  Later I would be diagnosed with non epileptic seizures, claustrophobia, memory loss, brain fogs, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a list of other symptoms that come with a major traumatic brain injury.  

During the last four years I have been to Doctor appointment after Doctor appointment, appointments with my brain injury therapist, physical therapy, and two different speech therapists.  The first speech therapist I went to, we had to stop going because the other brain injury symptoms were at their worst and I would have days of no sleep or multiple panic attacks when it was time to go to an appointment, I was tired all of the time.  After a month of going to physical therapy, it got to where I could not go anymore because of the same reason for quitting speech therapy. My Doctor gave me a list of exercises to do at home to improve muscle strength and get me walking without limping on my right side like I had been. I am happy to say I do not limp today, unless I walk for hours in the wrong shoes!  

In 2015 I saw a Physiatrist who specializes in brain injuries. He referred me to a speech therapist less than 20 minutes from where I lived. I went through her entire program. My memory block improved. I stopped having trouble getting words out of my mouth that were stuck in my brain.    It has been a long journey. 

Today in 2017 I have come a long way because of God, my Parents, my family, close friends, my Doctor, and therapists. At one time I was on twelve plus medications a day.  Now I am on two. I am no longer depressed, I go anywhere I want too.  I have not had a seizure in two, going on three weeks. Instead of seeing my Doctor weekly, I see him every six weeks.  I no longer see the Physiatrist, brain injury therapist, or speech therapist.  

God has shown me His love and mercy and endless grace through my recovery, through healing.  On the days and nights I wanted to give up and die, God was with me. On the nights I could not sleep, when all I saw was darkness, despair, and no hope, Jesus would show me His unconditional love for me.  He has been my strength.   God is not finished with me.

There is much more to my brain injury story, but I am trying to condense it.  I share my story with you to let you know, you are not alone.   Everything I have been through makes me that much more aware of God's calling on my life.  There was a time I sang in Churches, at festivals and events, I even spoke at Church.  I taught Sunday school for six years.  I love spreading the love of God.  Many times in the past four, almost five years I have questioned God, cried out to Him, wondering why He gave me gifts that seemed to be rotting. I have asked God why did I go through what I have gone through. Why am I not completely over this brain injury? What is my purpose?  Why didn't you let me die when I was a baby? God, why didn't you let me die when I wrecked? Why did you bring me back, was it to suffer with a TBI for the rest of my life? No!  Are you through with me? No! He is not. He did not bring me through everything He has brought me through to cast me aside now. I have to trust His timing. 

  I have dreams, visions, prayers that I have yet to see fulfilled.  I know in God's timing they will be.  He planted desires in my heart as a child that is part of His plan for my life. They have not happened yet, but I know that they will.  

Why am I here?  What does God want me to do with my life?  The answer is simple, love God and love people.  Maybe you are saying, yeah but what about God's calling?  That is His calling.  Yes, He has specific things He has called each of us to do based on the talents and gifts He gives us, and if we remain faithful to Him and are willing to let Him use us, He will fulfill everything in our lives that He promised.  While we wait, praise God. While we wait, serve God. While we wait, love each other.  Ask yourself what you can do to help other people, to show people God's love, and then do it.  Before you know it, God will open those doors that no one can close, but we have to keep His commandments, and follow in His ways.  


We are here for God's purpose. We are here to help each other.  I know if I let Him, God can use what I have gone through, and what I am going through for His glory to help others. If my struggles and all the times I questioned God and begged Him to let me die, if God can use me to tell just one person going through the same kind of despair, that it gets better, that God will walk through the storm with them, that He loves and cares for them, I know because I have been there. If God can use me to help just one person, to show them God loves them, that Jesus died for them, that His love is enough to see them through anything, then everything I have gone through will be worth it.  

Use my story, for your glory God, that is my prayer, that is why I am here, for God to use me to help others.  What the devil meant to harm me, God will use as a testimony of His love.  Use me God, use me. 

Depression You are Defeated

Depression.
My unwelcome enemy.
You are not my friend.
I hate you.

You ease your way into my day.
I wake up with your shadow looming
over me threatening to drown out the
joyous sunlight of my day.

You follow me everywhere I go.
You laugh at me.
You mock me.
You make me tired.
I feel weak from fighting.
You are a stupid feeling.
Go away.

Depression
You make me feel lonely.
Unwanted.
Unworthy.
Empty.
Unhappy.
Guilty without cause.

You have tried to become my norm.
But you are not my norm.
You are a worm.

A spineless coward who preys on the innocent,
the hurt, the abandoned,
the sick and the weak.

But I am not weak.
I am not abandoned.
I was sick, but I am alive.

You depression are full of lies.
You have robbed me long enough.
I am a child of God.
I matter.
I am victorious.
Your dark presence is not my fate.
I have no need to be sad.
You can't steal my joy.

Depression
You are a fraud. A thief. A terror.
My enemy. You are defeated.
You have no place in my life.
I belong to Jesus.
Greater is He that is in my than any of your foolishness.

Depression
I am tired of feeling lonely.
I have family and friends. I am not alone.

I am tired of sadness. Why should I be sad?
I am tired of feeling empty.
The Holy Spirit lives in me, I am not empty.
I am tired of feeling torn.
Through Christ I am made whole.
I am tired of feeling unworthy.
I am redeemed and worthy through my Jesus.
I am tired of feeling discouraged.
I am not friendless.
I have friends.
I am not where I want to be
But I am farther than I was.

Depression you are my enemy.
You do not control me.
You may be attacking my mind, and my body, but you are trespassing on a child of God.

From this day forward I am fighting you harder than ever before.
You depression are a loser.
I am tired of you hurting me and hurting my family and friends.

Depression.
My familiar enemy.
You are not welcome here.
Go away, in Jesus name.

A Rant When I Am Tired

*I typed this in August, but did not post it, until now.*

I am longing for adventure. My restless spirit is anxious to be set free. I am tired of being trapped in my own misery. Depression is an enemy. Panic is not my friend. Seizures are horrible. I want my life free of them.

I want to go as I please. Do as I please and not worry about the other three. I cannot drive right now because of seizures. This irritates me.  I long to go places and do things, but depression and anxiety make it hard. While I long to go, I feel numb and void. Almost lifeless. As if the thought of getting up and going anywhere is to much trouble. I do not have the energy to do so. Yet, I want to do so.

How long will this heartache hound me? How long must I fight the same never ending battle day after day night after night with no end in sight?  How long God how long? I cry, but I do not have an answer.

Stupid brain injury. I hate you! In less than two months I will be thirty. Thirty!  I have battled this nightmare since the age of twenty-five! Enough already my heart screams!

When I was twenty I had high hopes, goals and dreams for what my life would be like when I reached the age of thirty.  Married, children, further in my career. Singing on the road for God's glory. A book or two published. So many dreams!   None of them have come true. None of them are in sight.  Stupid brain injury!!

Am I throwing a pity party? Maybe. Am I fed up? Definitely.  Am I ready to fight? I have been. Constantly. Day after day, night after night since May 28th, 2012. 

*Finishing this writing, below on October 20, 2016*

The journey is hard. The journey is long, but I will keep fighting all day long. When night falls and sorrow comes darker than the night sky, I will keep fighting, I will keep moving on.  God is with me. I will not fail. I will not fall. I will not be defeated. The battle is long. The battle is hard, but with my Jesus I am making it, one day at a time.  One day I will see the end of this struggle, this heartache will be gone, until then I will keep moving on.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Depression

  

 (Photo found on Pinterest. Not my own.)

Depression is a horrible enemy.   I hate it.  I began struggling with a mild form of depression when I was a teenager, so mild that I could easily keep it hidden.  In 2004 when my family moved from Alabama to Mississippi I began feeling depressed and having mild anxiety attacks. Again I could keep it hidden, though it was harder this time then it was when I was fourteen and fifteen.  Fast forward to 2012.  Memorial Day of 2012 to be exact.  I wrecked a dirt bike. Hit my head multiply times. Was knocked out unconscious, quit breathing to the point of death. I was told I had a death seizure, my face and lips turned blue and I lay lifeless, until God is in wondrous love breathed life back into my body.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because I want to share my testimony of how good my God is. I want you to know that I am still struggling, but I am making it. I want you to have hope in the midst of your struggle.  I want to educate you on what depression is in case you are battling depression, or you know someone who is battling depression.  I am not looking for sympathy or attention. I am looking to help someone else.  Is my depression whipped? No.  However I believe talking about it may help another person.  There are days I do not want to talk about it, but today is not one of those days.  Today I feel inspired, I feel urged, I feel the need to let my voice be heard, if only for a little while, while you read this post.

First off, I want to tell you depression is not a weakness.  Depression is a mental illness.  You do not shun someone who has a cold, because common sense tells us a cold is an illness. Depression is an illness, though it's physical affects are not always as obvious as those of a common cold.   However, if you look hard enough or know a person well enough, depression can be easy to spot.

Depression is wanting to do things, but feeling like I do not have the energy to do them.  Some days the thought of getting out of bed and taking a shower feels so overwhelming. My body feels tired and I feel mentally drained, even if I just woke up from an eight hour nights sleep. It is in these moments when I have to talk myself into getting up and getting ready for the day. Because most often then not, it feels like I have worked twelve plus hours doing strenuous labor and don't want to do anything but lay down and sleep.  And that is before I take a shower.   After my shower I may feel a little bit revived as showers have a way of doing, but I still feel bleh for lack of a better definition.  Bleh may not be the most decorative or elaborate word in the English language, but if you have been there you know that it is most definitely an accurate definition.

I struggle with depression and anxiety. That is a double whammy.  Depression gives the excuses, anxiety motivates the excuses with fear.  I can talk myself into getting up and doing something that depression says I feel lifeless to do,  and anxiety blind sides me with fear of failure if I do what I decided I was going to do.   Read this graphic I found on Pinterest that explains what I mean very well.

 (Photo found on Pinterest. It is not my own.)

Did you read that?   "Anxiety and depression is.....feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb."    That phrase alone sums anxiety and depression up.   The entire description in the quote is accurate as well. I can relate to every word. 

Today I am experiencing a rough battle with depression and anxiety, maybe that is why I feel most raw and desperate to be real with you, to reach out and let someone reading this know you are not alone.   I am getting tired of expressing myself this openly right now, if you have depression and anxiety I know you understand that.  I will continue blogging about depression and anxiety as I feel able.  In the meantime I want to leave you with something I put on my Instagram and Facebook accounts earlier.   

God is bigger. I struggle with depression on a daily basis. Some days the fight seems so intense I become exhausted to the point of laying down for a while. This is not a weakness. Depression is a mental illness. I have a brain injury from a wreck.  Depression is a horrible illness. But it is in the midst of the fiercest battle when I am struggling to stay alive that I remember "God is Bigger." It is then that I call on Him and His sweet peace floods my soul and it is in His strength that I find the will to keep going.  

God is faithful.

God is bigger.

God is with you.

 












*Graphics are not mine. They are the sole property of their respectful owners. I do not claim ownership of the graphics. I found the graphics on Pinterest.*

Depression Hurts, but Don't Give Up.

A lot of times you have to do something you don't feel like doing in order to feel better.  It is not a secret that for the past three almost four years I have battled depression due to a brain injury. I am on medication for depression and it helps a lot but there are still days when I have to make myself get up out of bed and do something. I remember in the beginning getting dressed and putting makeup on was an accomplishment.

Depression is an enemy. It is ugly. It cast shadows over everything in its reach. I would not wish it on the people I dislike the most. It has been a long struggle. I am still battling depression, but because I am living it I can tell you it gets better. The darkest days don't last. I know.

Depression doesn't hound me like it use to. I want to encourage you no matter how much the ton of depression weighs on you GET UP! It is hard. Your body will fight you, your mind will scream. You may panic, sweat and cry tears, you may get angry and throw things or punch a wall because the depression hurts that bad. I have been there... Do not give in!

 Make yourself get up and do something small each day. Doesn't have to be big. Take a walk, dress up, change rooms, do something! No matter how much the depression fights you and it will, you have within you the ability, the power to speak to it and refuse to let it keep you down. Don't give up! Fight with everything in you.

You will get hit around, you will do good and get knocked down, get back up! You are worth it and you can overcome! I know, I myself have gone from holding pills in my hands contemplating ending my life, staring at a knife thinking thoughts of harming myself to staying in bed for days drowning out the world and crying all the time, but I am not there anymore.  It is getting better.

Do not give up!! Fight! God is on your side. If not for Him, my family, Doctor, counselor, speech pathologist who helped me and a few friends I would not have come this far. But it is getting better. I urge you don't give up!

Through Jesus I Have the Victory

Well it happened again....tonight I had a seizure. First one in a couple of months. I am drained from it, and disappointed.  I thought no, I was hoping they were gone for good since it had been a while since I had one.  

I don't know what triggers a seizure in other people, but for me with a brain injury, certain smells can trigger a seizure, like tonight.   I used Hartz Flea and Tick Control Spray on my dog Bama. I sprayed his kennel to kill any fleas or flea eggs that might have been nesting around the kennel floor.  Then I moved his kennel and swept in the corner where his kennel goes.  Another mistake on my part. The fumes became to much and triggered a seizure.  It didn't last a long time like others have. It wasn't as intense as others I have had, but still annoying, and disappointing, but I already said that.

I do not understand why these things still linger.  No matter what lies the devil is trying to fill my mind full of tonight, I choose to believe that God is with me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.  The devil is a liar.  The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus came that I may have life and have it more abundantly.  Jesus came that I may have joy and be happy, not suffer with brain injury symptoms.  

So maybe there are still bumps along the way. Yes, I did have a seizure tonight, but that is one in two months, maybe close to three.  I am getting better.  My strength is in Jesus. My faith will not waver.  I will hold Jesus hand.    The seizure didn't defeat me, I got through it.  Through Jesus I have the victory.